#I'm 320lbs as of writing this.

[kcdodger]

I honestly really need body positivity* folks to understand something really, really important.

Getting heavier is not a surefire way to indicate someone's quality of life improving. I'm serious.

I keep seeing the post, "People should let their characters get fat to signify that their love doesn't suck anymore" and I'm gonna' be frank, it's actually a somewhat problematic take.

For one it feeds into the "Fat people are happy" trope which feeds into the far worse, "Fat parks are happy and stupid" trope.

You know, the one that makes people treat us (fat people) like we're stupid. The one that makes people treat us as lesser? The implicit, "Happy because they're stupid (and too fat to realize they're unhealthy)" of it all?

Because you know what else is true about being fat? About gaining weight?

That there's a non zero chance that you're eating carelessly. Stress eating. Eating things you like to may yourself happy. Chasing a joy that you cannot find in your life outside of the kitchen.

If that's not you? Great. But there's a lot of people who are literally to stressed to take care of themselves. And you know what?

Some of us grew up in food deserts. Or with parents that didn't feed us right. And as adults? Dude, all the shit you can afford out of pocket is typically bad for you. Not to mention our reliance on eating out of home really isn't conducive to learning how to cook at all, and that's without mentioning cooking well for yourself.

I need you to understand dear reader, that fat and being fat is valid and you shouldn't be shamed for it. I want us to stop being shamed. But I need you also to understand that there are very, very bad reasons someone might be fat.

I did not choose this. I would not choose it.

But I do have to live with it until I can undo it. Until and well after, I will have your back, heavy set reader.

Because this is not a piece to villainize fat. No, far from.

I just need skinny people who fetishize us and our existence and consume fat porn by the boatload to stop being weird about our many, many realities and problems.

[indica-lungs]

If I could just jump back 10 years and let this adorable 320lb sack of cheesecake and video games know that it's all gonna be okay. "Your glow up is real young one. You end up loving the heck out of yourself and it might sound impossible but you even get down to a healthy weight. You hiked just under 6 miles, with over 5,000ft of elevation gains, in an hour and a half. Keep doin whatchu do."

I had to have a couple foot surgeries when I was younger due to my bones being super deformed, that kinda made being a teenager really difficult. I was on bedrest for nearly 2 full years, ate cheesecake literally every day (thanks Grandma), and couldn't leave my bed other than to shower and use the bathroom so I got big. Really big. This was just after my first surgery and I started to really put weight on. There's not even another picture of me that exists between those ages until my 16th birthday and even then, I wore the XXL Tall Proclubs and open button ups with the biggest possible pants to try and look as small as I could. I had the surgeries, recovered somewhat physically but after two years you get stuck. It took moving 400 miles away to actually be forced into that new routine. And even then it's wasn't as much about forcing a routine as it was that I just.. stopped eating.

My mom struggled with bulimia when I was little. Maybe once I put on weight I remembered how she would talk about herself and then just see myself in the mirror and hear all those same things but in her voice.

It wasn't easy. It still isn't. People don't talk enough about guys with self image problems. Or anyone for that matter. It's hard. "You still hungry?", "Ian probably needs to eat.", "C'mon everyone knows you're gonna eat it anyways", "Wow you ate that really fast."

No one would actually see the hurt in those words because it was true. Never did a friend or family member step in and try and help. Just offer more food, call me different "nicknames" because it was apparently cute. When I was 17 I begged for a cheap gym membership and got a really nice personal trainer, Brandon. He had just gotten out of prison and started a gym with his grandfather to try to help people in positions like mine. Didn't even get a year before moving away and after I lost that I just threw myself at any possible physical activity. Wrestling, boxing, hiking.

In less than a year, only twice a week, those few hours of support and encouragement helped me get through that block of being so unmotivated.

I'm getting better now. I have been over the last few years. This is the first I've ever like really spoken on the matter. It feels good. I know I'm getting better because I can see, in all aspects of my life, how much this held me back.

It may seem so silly but just that mental block holding me from being able to fully open up and I think I got through that today.

I'm eating healthier because it makes me feel good. I'm still working on eating enough.

I've found my peace with going on absolutely brutal hikes by myself. Bringing fruits, a granola bar and yogurt.

For the first time in my life last week I took a picture with my shirt off and sent it to my girlfriend. And I actually felt sexy.

I was never able to even run a full mile growing up and this is what I decided to go do at 2:30 in the afternoon. No breaks. No stopping. Just going.

And let me tell you I feel fucking fantastic.

If there's anyone at all going through it right now, I promise you it gets better if you meet the energy in the world halfway.

It's not just gonna magically happen either. You're gonna have to do something about it.

Don't do it for anyone else. Do it for you.

Really didn't expect to write that out.